Light a candle for Baby Bear

Today is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day!
Lets remember all our sweet babies by lighting a candle at 7pm.
This is in honor of my sweet Baby Bear, I will never forget you!

What's up?

I was a guest post at Or So She Says... I did a post about miscarriage, go check it out!

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A lot of things have been going on here, our year at Los Cacaos is over, and we moved back to the city, it was a bittersweet moment, everyone cried, nobody wanted us to leave and neither did we; but we have to start a new chapter in our lifes preparing ourselves for next year (applying for a residence program).
There is so many things I am going to miss...

...specially the people, we were really treated as family there.

I am grateful for the time we spent at Los Cacaos, all the beatiful people that lives there and all the things we learned. We promised we will always go visit!

Back in the city I am looking for a job and place to live, so wish us luck in this new chapter of our lifes!

Sharing

Until last week Bayo hasnt really been open about talking about the miscarriage, I mean he talks but tries to avoid the subject shutting down his feelings about it. I belong to a miscarriage december 2009 group and apparently is a commun behavior of the guys. I just let it go and wouldnt bring up the subject around him.
Last week he showed me something he wrote and I wanted to share it with all of you (with his consent, of course). Sorry if the translation is not that good :)

A drop of life died inside my wife, we loved it, no one wanted to spread it into the nothing, a drop of life brought us so much happiness for a couple of months and then went away without letting us know, in a sudden way, like a mute flower that withers, like a sordid wound that left us with his silent and subtle departure, the day I found out it existed my life changed deeply, I even wrote it a letter, it was what I desired the most, my life need it him… even if it looks like something else, I haven’t forgotten you, little piece of me… forgive me… now I get lost in this fear, I fell apart sometimes and others I try to live. Sometimes I wonder how you were, if you look like me or Vane, or if you were the perfect mix of both of us, sometimes I have to pretend I am tough so your mother can get over your lost, but in my loneliness is an empty father that has lost you and I suffer… I remember when I took you to the doctor and everything was fine… you know I loved you no matter what you were, that I was willing to change my life without thinking because you were born, my son I wanted to teach you so many things, come back, allow me to meet you… bring me back my life my dear… beloved prince… my universe is to have you cuddle between Vane and I… my biggest desire, my mayor realization. You won’t know how much I think of you, dream of you and need you. God should have waited until your mommy and I could have seen you… you are my whole world my son, come and justify me… come and complete your mommy… if only you would know the agony my soul has because I couldn’t give her a baby… your mommy is waiting for you… Vane is all life and only wishes to have you in her arms alive… I am life and I still love you before you can be… some day my little boy we will all be dead but it wont matter because life never ends… and I love you too much to forget you…
A father without his little prince… Bayo-10


Una gota de vida murió dentro de mi esposa, la queríamos, nadie quiso esparcirla en la nada, una gota de vida nos trajo tanta alegría por un par de meses y luego se fue sin avisar, de manera súbita, como una flor muda que se marchita como una sórdida herida como la que nos dejo con su silente y sutil partida, el día que supe que existía mi vida cambio profundamente, hasta le había hecho una carta, es que lo deseaba tanto, mi vida lo necesitaba…aunque parezca otra cosa, no te he olvidado, partecita de mi…perdóname…ahora en este miedo me pierdo, me desgarro a veces y otras trato de vivir. Me pregunto a veces como eras, si te parecías a mi o a Vane, o si eras la mezcla perfecta de los dos, a veces tengo que hacerme el duro para que tu madre supere tu perdida bien, pero en mi soledad queda un padre vacío que te ha perdido y sufro…recuerdo cuando te llevaba donde la doctora y todo iba bien…sabes que te amaba fueras lo que fueras, que cambiaria mi vida sin pensarlo por que hubieras nacido, hijo mío te he querido enseñar tantas cosas, vuelve, déjame conocerte…devuélveme la vida querido mío…principito amado…mi universo es tenerte acurrucado entre Vane y yo… es mi total anhelo, es mi realización mayor. No sabes lo que te pienso y te sueno y te necesito. Dios debió esperar hasta que te pudiéramos ver tu mami y yo…eres todo mi mundo hijo mío, ven y justifícame…ven y completa a tu mami…si supieras la angustia que llevo en mi alma por no haberle dado un bebe…tu mami te espera…Vane es toda vida y solo anhela tenerte vivo en sus manos…yo soy vida aun y te amo antes de que estés…algún día hijito estemos muertos pero no importa porque la vida no muere…te amo demasiado como para olvidarte…
Un padre sin principito…Bayo-10

Christmas and some thoughts...

I wanted to show you my Christmas tree this year, we went from blue and silver to the clasic red and green and I love it!

We also have cute bear lights, with Santa hats (my mom started calling Bayo a bear a year ago and I felt in love with the nickname, so now a have an everything bear obsesion).

Another reason for the bear lights was that this was Baby Bear tree and I had this cute ornaments on to make it a theme...

They say Dad and Mom in spanish, and I got them the day I found out I was pregnant, when I got home at Los Cacaos I took them off, Bayo said he thought about doing the same but didnt because we are still a mommy and daddy, I took them off anyways...

Today I found this beautiful poem by an unknown author:

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today,

I asked, "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say:

A Mother has a baby,

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied

With confidence in his voice,

I give many women babies,

When they leave it is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for the day,

And some I send to feel your womb,

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,

I want my baby here.

He took a breath,

and cleared his throat,

And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you,

What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear,

but My mommy loved me so much

I got to come straight here!"

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear,

"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,

I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,

Your children are okay.

Your babies are here in My home,

And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,

Until your lessons there are through,

And on the day that you come home,

they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see

What makes a Mother,

It's the feeling in your heart,

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start.

I cried when I read this and could understand what Bayo said, we are still a mommy and daddy even if we dont get to hold our baby in our arms cause we hold him in our hearts forever, and some day we'll be able to have a sweet baby to care for and love until we get to meet our other angel.

So when I get back to Los Cacaos on monday I am getting them on my tree again, because we are still Papa and Mama to our sweet baby bear and to our future children!