Happy New Year!

I really thought it would be easier to post more often, but sometimes coming in here just brings back so many memories, I guess I cant keep denying to miself that I need time to heal and that it's ok to cry...
I will be back full mode in a couple of weeks, as much as life in Los Cacaos allows me, I have some projects I also want to share with all of you.
I saw this video and thought it was funny...

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Happy New Year 2010

Hopefully this will be my year :)

Christmas and some thoughts...

I wanted to show you my Christmas tree this year, we went from blue and silver to the clasic red and green and I love it!

We also have cute bear lights, with Santa hats (my mom started calling Bayo a bear a year ago and I felt in love with the nickname, so now a have an everything bear obsesion).

Another reason for the bear lights was that this was Baby Bear tree and I had this cute ornaments on to make it a theme...

They say Dad and Mom in spanish, and I got them the day I found out I was pregnant, when I got home at Los Cacaos I took them off, Bayo said he thought about doing the same but didnt because we are still a mommy and daddy, I took them off anyways...

Today I found this beautiful poem by an unknown author:

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today,

I asked, "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say:

A Mother has a baby,

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied

With confidence in his voice,

I give many women babies,

When they leave it is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for the day,

And some I send to feel your womb,

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,

I want my baby here.

He took a breath,

and cleared his throat,

And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you,

What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear,

but My mommy loved me so much

I got to come straight here!"

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear,

"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,

I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,

Your children are okay.

Your babies are here in My home,

And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,

Until your lessons there are through,

And on the day that you come home,

they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see

What makes a Mother,

It's the feeling in your heart,

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start.

I cried when I read this and could understand what Bayo said, we are still a mommy and daddy even if we dont get to hold our baby in our arms cause we hold him in our hearts forever, and some day we'll be able to have a sweet baby to care for and love until we get to meet our other angel.

So when I get back to Los Cacaos on monday I am getting them on my tree again, because we are still Papa and Mama to our sweet baby bear and to our future children!

* I started writing again in Los Cacaos, since I dont have internet there I just save it and post it when I get to the city.

Back home, I want to believe…


December 12th, 2009

I am back home, this really feels like home.
Bayo was nice enough to save me a clean organized, house when I came back, so it only took me a few minutes to put things back the way I like them.
I love seeing the huge smile on the kids faces when they saw me, they were really happy to know that I am staying for good, they also asked me about the baby, it was really hard explaining it, but I really felt good talking about it and not ignoring the subject like it never happened. It did, it was important, but we’re still a family and this is not the end of the journey.
I still want to believe this pain is happening for a reason, in the mean time I’m happy to be back home and to be with Bayo again, he really missed being taken care of, so I’m enjoying doing just that!

Tomorrow

The d&c had to be moved for tomorrow at 10 am, after that I will be leaving for Los Cacaos, I think I'll be able to recover both phisically and emotionally faster if I just leave.
I wont be able to post until next weekend probably, please keep us in your thoughs and prayers tomorrow morning.

...

I hate for this to become a grieve blog, but this is part of our journey and what we are going thru', Bayohan has a different way of grieving he is more optimistic, I in the other hand just cant stop crying :/
Today was a little less hard, and I guess it will improve over time, I know once I start working I'll be able to stop thinking about it 24/7.
Tomorrow I'll go for my d&c, I really wish nature would just do it for me but I guess that wont happen for me, luck is not on my side...
I know we will come out of this stronger and again I really want to thank those of you for your prayers, right now I just think it was meant to happen no matter what, but still belive in the power of a prayer even if the outcome is not what we want, right?
God has his way of showing things to us, and this has happened before, that I dont understand why things go a certain way and at the end it all makes sense... I rather belive in that and not be angry for things I cannot control.

Trying to deal with it.

I went back for an ultrasound today, I know for some it seems like a crazy idea, but I felt like yesterday I was in a state of shock and didnt ask any question and spend all night thinking the what if...
It was as horrible and hard as you could imagine, I went to a different place and just got my question answered, the lady was really nice and even moved me to a different ultrasound machine just to calm my fears. She wasnt as fast and mechanic like the last one and she was doctor and knew I was one too (here in DR is not your OBGYN who do the ultrasound) so she explained me why they were sure it is a miscarriage even if I dont have any bleeding or cramps yet.
I've been a mess all day, I know that this happens sometimes but still is really hard!
Thanks for all the support you've given me it really means a lot to us this days, Bayo cant come home until thursday so you can imagine how much harder that makes this whole thing.
I will be going friday for a D&C so please keep us in your prayers.

Sad

The ultrasound showed no heartbeat, the doctor told me the baby stopped growing.
I am really sad and confused, I dont get it, the baby measures the time I have (8 weeks) so there SHOULD be a heartbeat, but there isnt, I am not sure what to think, if it is a dimised it happened a couple days ago?!
We are really sad...

Hopefully my last day of bedrest :)

It's already monday here so in exactly 10 hours I will get my ultrasound, unfortunately I dont get to go to Los Cacaos tomorrow, because Bayo will pick me up on thursday :(
Fonsy will be joining me for the ultrasound tomorrow so that I dont go nuts on the waiting room, lol!!
Again please pray for tomorrow, we are really nervous :/

Journey of a bedrest: day 19

Only 2 days to go...
Can you belive that I could get out of here in 2 days :)
But I have to wait for Bayo to pick me up and go to my drs appoinment before I leave to Los Cacaos, he's been talking about coming tuesday instead of thursday, if that is the case my appoinment is open and I can change it and be out of here sooner :)
Please pray for a healthy heartbeat on that ultrasound and for Bayo to be able to make it here before.

FFF- Christmas Traditions

This is not my christmas tradition, but since I am stuck at my mom's house I will post one that she started last year, more of a tradition it is a collection!

She collects Santas!!!
They are all over the house, I feel like they are gremlins that if you poor water over them they'll reproduce more...

They come in all size and shapes.

Some are gold...

Some are red...

Some are seating in our chairs!!

In our floor...

Riding reindeer bikes?!

The big old jolly red suit guy!

Some carry ornaments...

Some are hip...

Some are checking on the list!


Some speak spanish...

Some can cook...

Some may go for a tropical look!

So if you dont get any presents this christmas eve, it may be my mom who kidnap him :)

Hope you liked the HUGE Santa Claus collection!

If you want to see my nativity scene collection (I buy one for each year that we've been married) click here and we also do a holiday salad tradition, check it out here!

Journey of a bedrest: day 17

Only 4 days to go...
Friends are blessings!!
Today Fonsy kept me company, after Bayo left (he came home for our anniversary) and we had such a nice time just talking and talking :) She also gave me some sweet things for baby bear, materny clothes and brought me Eclipse (the book) to keep me bussy until I leave!
My bedrest is supposed to end monday but I will have to stay until thursday because my appoinment with the doctor is that day!
And guess who came with her??? Gabby the walker :) he took his first steps yesterday and came over to show off, with walking onesis and all!!

3 years later... Still in love!

3 years ago was really one of the happiest days of my life, I honestly could relive this day over and over!

I still belive you are God's gift to me... I love you Bayohan!

Journey of a bedrest: day 14

Only 7 days to go...

Meet Baby Bear...

He has change a lot and now he hangs with a different group!

He is the size of a blueberry!

Journey of a bedrest: day 12

Only 9 days to go...


Having to give yourself a shot is not fun!!!
I've been doing it for 4 weeks (every saturday a progesterone shot) and I dont know why it gets harder every week, like I already know what to expect and that scares me beforehand :/ Progesterone is oily so I get a huge bruise everytime!!!
And to think people say I have a good hand to give shots, they always ask for me when a kid is getting one, but I am not that good on myself, LOL!!!

Journey of a bedrest: day 11

Only 10 days to go...
We are half way there!!! YAY!!!
Bayo left today, but I got to spend some much needed times with my sweet hubby!
and just in time when I finished the books I was reading I recieved in the mail my What to expect when you're expecting book so I will have something to keep me entertain until my pics arive :)
Bayo also bought me a bag of pistachio nuts so I am one happy girl!!!

FFF- No faces allowed!

Not a full face at least!!!

My sweet hubby left today for Los Cacaos again, he has tons of work and enjoys finding ways to help around there!

So I am back to missing him again, but at least I am half way there :)

Journey of a bedrest: day 10

Only 11 days to go...
God really knows when we cant make it anymore and always comes to the recue :)
Yesterday was a really bad day for me so he decided to send me a little gift today in the form of my sweet hubby who is here not only for a quick visit, but until tomorrow!!!
Ohh the small things we sometimes take for granted.
Here in DR we dont have thanksgiving but I have so much to be thankful for!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

Journey of a bedrest: day 9

Only 12 days to go...
Today has been a hard one for me, I dont know if it is the hormones that got me on an emotional rollercoaster or what?!!
Please pray that I dont go insane until I get my ultrasound on the 10th and please pray for a strong heartbeat!
By the way the bleeding stopped since that first incident so it is not that, but being a doctor allows me to know way to much information on bad scenarios and I just can help thinking about it, we already love Baby Bear more than words can express!

Journey of a bedrest: day 8

Only 13 days to go...
I was on an ugly mood these past days, but Bayo came to visit me and made me all better again, lol, I feel like I am in high school!
Now I am looking forward to catching up with my scrapbooking :) I had all my behind photos printed out (some are from June 08', yes, I am that behind), Fonsy will bring them Dec 1st from Puerto Rico (she went home for thanksgiving and here in Dominican Republic printing over 200 pictures is expensive and walgreen does them for 0.15 cents!!) and I plan to get up to date, all 32 projects!
I dont want to have to do the baby scrapbook with some left behind things, and I have a lot of material to work with!!
So I have something to look forward to :)

Journey of a bedrest: day 7

Only 14 days to go...
Meet Baby Bear...

He is the size of a lentil bean!

Journey of a bedrest: day 6

Only 15 days to go...
Again I would rather have a weekday here! But dont worry I wont complain the whole post, ha!
Like some sugestions I've received here :) I've been reading a lot, right now I am finishing the memory keeper's daughter, so far I like the book, it is not my type of book, but it is a great novel anyways.
I'm waiting for my What to expect when you are expecting book, I've read both really good and really bad reviews for it, I am basically just buying, reading it for fun/tradition, any thoughs on the book if you have read it?
Any good book sugestion or webpages to download good books?

Journey of a bedrest: day 5

Only 16 days to go...
Today has been a really long one, I am actually prefering weekdays instead of weekends here on bedrest land :/ there is more on tv on weekdays or at least they have a schedule!
Internet proves to be good/bad for me, it can calm me down or put me on my nerves LOL!!!
Bayo calls several times a day to ask for baby bear, not me, he specifically ask for baby bear (he uses a diferent nickname), wich I think is the cutest thing, he really is excited!
Things are going so well that I am beginning to think I dont really need to be in bed, but dont worry I will stay here until I get my dr's approval :)

Journey of a bedrest: day 4

Only 17 days to go...
I changed my pijamas :) who would have though that not doing anything all day could get your pijamas dirty :p
So now I am wearing some yellow chicken pjs, with chicks rules al over them! I hope if baby bear is a boy he doesnt get offended!

FFF- Thankful

I am thankful that after the scary incident this is still hanging at my mother's door:

It says "Grandma I love you a lot", it was my way of letting her know about our sweet baby bear!

We are really thankful the spoting stoped and we are looking forward to a healthy heartbeat on our next ultrasound.

Journey of a bedrest: day 3

Only 18 days to go...Here I am on my bed (of course) trying out my new camera!!!! cause look at what I got in the mail today: My Baby Be Mine Maternity Band, to help expand my pre pregnancy pants, and I am really happy with the quality of the fabric!
I know my belly is not that big yet but I couldnt help getting it :) plus who knows when it will start growing, gotta be prepared!

My brand new Coolpix L20 camera from Nikon, it is still a point and shoot and we DO want a better camera, but for now this will work great!

And finally my Belly Book, it is a great pregnancy journal, just for the belly, I love it and already started filling it in!

So today is actually an exciting day here at bedrest land, and we are happy to report ZERO bleeding since the first scary episode :) Couldnt be happier!

Journey of a bedrest: day 2

Only 19 days to go...
Asking people for food is harder than you would have though, I hate feeling like I am bossing around :/ and dont have a clue what I want! I wish they would just tell me I'll make this for you :) and it's only day 2, lol ohhh what a journey!!
I've been sleeping on a weird schedule wish I dont want to get used to because it will be hard to break once I go back to work!
I also discovered that 98 channels on a TV are not enough channels and that people dont log into msn in the morning :/
A lot of people from Los Cacaos have called me today wich made me real happy, they said they'll be praying for us to go back soon :) and said they'll take care of Bayo while I am here; these people are so great to us!

Journey of a bedrest: day 1

Only 20 day to go...
Being on the bed is not so bad, of course I only say that because this is the first day and I dont want to go into crazy mode :/
Bayo left today for Los Cacaos, wish made me real sad to be unable to go with him, I really love working there!
I've been using the internet for all the time we dont have access and I hope I dont run out of things to do on my first day.... so sugestions are welcome!

1st Month

I saw this idea in a diferent blog and will do a monthly update :) people usually do it weekly but I think one each month will work for us!In my pijamas getting ready for 3 weeks in bed!! Sorry for the bad quality pic, is all we could get with Bayo's cellphone, my camera will arive in a couple of days!!

How far along? 1 month (5 weeks), still need a confirmatory ultrasound because so far the ones I’ve got just show us the baby sac and we need one to measure the baby, we can’t guide ourselves from my last menstrual period because I am really irregular.

Total weight gain/loss: + 1, probably not pregnancy weight, lol!
Maternity clothes? Not yet.

Stretch marks? None, and hopefully they’ll stay out!

Sleep: perfect!

Best moment this month: finding out about our sweet baby bear.

Movement: can’t wait to feel it!

Food cravings: not really, wish is weird because I always have cravings… but I am waking up at 5 am hungry!
Gender: just a baby bear.

Belly button in or out? Still in.

What I miss: I don’t miss anything yet, it is too soon to miss, but I know I will miss working, because I am stuck in bed for 3 weeks.
What I am looking forward to: in 3 weeks seeing baby bear heartbeat strong and leaving the bed!
What I learned this month: God is great and powerful, He can do anything!

BIG SCARE!

today I spotted a tiny bit :( wish made us both cry our lungs out, we already love this baby too much!
I came back home for an ultrasound and everything is perfect, thank God!
Still the doctor doesnt want me working so I will be hanging around for 3 weeks until I get another ultrasound and reconfirm everything is perfect.
Please pray for us, it was really scary and we dont want to loose our tiny baby bear!
So I will keep posting from my bed :)

1st Doctor Appoinment!!

It was great, everything is perfect :)
I love my doctor so much, she is always taking care of every small detail and remembers everything we talk about, she takes her time to listen and makes me feel confortable!
We got an ultrasound, but since baby bear is so tiny I will start posting ultrasound pics when you can really see what is going on ;)
We leave tomorrow for Los Cacaos, wish is good because I already miss my house there, working and all the children!

Finally some pics

I finally have pictures of my home pregnancy test (I went Fonsy's and got them), I really want to save this for scrapbook, see the really faded line?

Gabby was happy to know he'll be getting a cousin soon :)

Progesterone

My doctor said that she wanted to see my levels and I just got them today, they are 13.05, wish is normal for 3 weeks, but she said that since she wants to be extra cautious (wish I dont mind, that is what I love about my Dr.) I will be on progesterone shot once a week until 12 weeks.
I had to do the shot myself (Bayo is at Los Cacaos) and that was no fun, but I will do anything to keep everything save :)

Story

I really want to remember and share how we found out so here it goes...
If you read my blog you know that this last month my follies were really small, but my doctor said keep trying the natural way cause you never know :/
October 31th I saw some blood and though it was my period coming, so I knew I had to take my Clomid on day 5, but the spoting stoped that day so I was unsure what to do.
Last night (I'm back home) I took a home pregnancy test and waited 5 mins to read it and it was negative, I went to the bedroom and kept asking Bayohan why I couldnt get pregnant and how frustrated I was, went back to the bathroom about 10 mins later and there was a really faded pink line :0 Of course I went online and read a lot of people saying that if it is pass the time in the box it means you are not :/
Still we decided to do a blood test today and it came ou positive :) Bayo was so happy that he cryed, I was in shock!!
We are really happy and thankful for all the prayers... Please keep praying because we know it is still to soon, but we couldnt help to share the news and get excited!

Botties :)

My sister is a genius :) she had pictures of OUR botties

See why I love them!! They are just precious!

If you want to get your own got to this Etsy Shop :)

My siste bought me this cute baby booties (not the ones in the pic, remember I dont have a camera, mines are cream and red) when she found out we were TTC.

I've kept them in a drawer and everytime I am home I look at them because they give me hope and are the prettiest thing in the world!

In July 2010 this will belong to a very special someone: OUR BABY!!!

We are happy to say that we are pregnant and I know you are not suppose to say until 10-12 weeks (we are only 2-3 weeks) but I am to happy not to share :)

Thanks for all the prayers, God is great!!

Later I will post how we found out about this sweet surprise! :)

FFF- Black and White Beauty

... with a little color :)

sorry for the old photo, but I really need a camera.... FAST! plus I just love my weeding pictures :)

another girly weekend + a cute boy!

Bayohan had to work again this weekend in some projects he has and I stayed at Fonsy's again :) I really enjoy spending time with her and Gabby.
We went to watch a really bad movie, but had a lot of fun and laughed sooo much, I really needed and missed that!
Girly time is the best, specially if you add this cute boy!