Happy New Year!

I really thought it would be easier to post more often, but sometimes coming in here just brings back so many memories, I guess I cant keep denying to miself that I need time to heal and that it's ok to cry...
I will be back full mode in a couple of weeks, as much as life in Los Cacaos allows me, I have some projects I also want to share with all of you.
I saw this video and thought it was funny...

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Happy New Year 2010

Hopefully this will be my year :)

Christmas and some thoughts...

I wanted to show you my Christmas tree this year, we went from blue and silver to the clasic red and green and I love it!

We also have cute bear lights, with Santa hats (my mom started calling Bayo a bear a year ago and I felt in love with the nickname, so now a have an everything bear obsesion).

Another reason for the bear lights was that this was Baby Bear tree and I had this cute ornaments on to make it a theme...

They say Dad and Mom in spanish, and I got them the day I found out I was pregnant, when I got home at Los Cacaos I took them off, Bayo said he thought about doing the same but didnt because we are still a mommy and daddy, I took them off anyways...

Today I found this beautiful poem by an unknown author:

What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today,

I asked, "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard him say:

A Mother has a baby,

This we know is true

But, God, can you be a mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, he replied

With confidence in his voice,

I give many women babies,

When they leave it is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

And others for the day,

And some I send to feel your womb,

But there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this God,

I want my baby here.

He took a breath,

and cleared his throat,

And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you,

What your child is doing Here...

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

of love and life and fear,

but My mommy loved me so much

I got to come straight here!"

I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me,

I learned my lessons very quickly,

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep,

On her pillow is where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,

And whisper in her ear,

"Mommy, Please don't be sad today,

I'm your baby and I am here"

So you see my dear sweet one,

Your children are okay.

Your babies are here in My home,

And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,

Until your lessons there are through,

And on the day that you come home,

they'll be at the gates waiting for you

So now you see

What makes a Mother,

It's the feeling in your heart,

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start.

I cried when I read this and could understand what Bayo said, we are still a mommy and daddy even if we dont get to hold our baby in our arms cause we hold him in our hearts forever, and some day we'll be able to have a sweet baby to care for and love until we get to meet our other angel.

So when I get back to Los Cacaos on monday I am getting them on my tree again, because we are still Papa and Mama to our sweet baby bear and to our future children!

* I started writing again in Los Cacaos, since I dont have internet there I just save it and post it when I get to the city.

Back home, I want to believe…


December 12th, 2009

I am back home, this really feels like home.
Bayo was nice enough to save me a clean organized, house when I came back, so it only took me a few minutes to put things back the way I like them.
I love seeing the huge smile on the kids faces when they saw me, they were really happy to know that I am staying for good, they also asked me about the baby, it was really hard explaining it, but I really felt good talking about it and not ignoring the subject like it never happened. It did, it was important, but we’re still a family and this is not the end of the journey.
I still want to believe this pain is happening for a reason, in the mean time I’m happy to be back home and to be with Bayo again, he really missed being taken care of, so I’m enjoying doing just that!

Tomorrow

The d&c had to be moved for tomorrow at 10 am, after that I will be leaving for Los Cacaos, I think I'll be able to recover both phisically and emotionally faster if I just leave.
I wont be able to post until next weekend probably, please keep us in your thoughs and prayers tomorrow morning.

...

I hate for this to become a grieve blog, but this is part of our journey and what we are going thru', Bayohan has a different way of grieving he is more optimistic, I in the other hand just cant stop crying :/
Today was a little less hard, and I guess it will improve over time, I know once I start working I'll be able to stop thinking about it 24/7.
Tomorrow I'll go for my d&c, I really wish nature would just do it for me but I guess that wont happen for me, luck is not on my side...
I know we will come out of this stronger and again I really want to thank those of you for your prayers, right now I just think it was meant to happen no matter what, but still belive in the power of a prayer even if the outcome is not what we want, right?
God has his way of showing things to us, and this has happened before, that I dont understand why things go a certain way and at the end it all makes sense... I rather belive in that and not be angry for things I cannot control.

Trying to deal with it.

I went back for an ultrasound today, I know for some it seems like a crazy idea, but I felt like yesterday I was in a state of shock and didnt ask any question and spend all night thinking the what if...
It was as horrible and hard as you could imagine, I went to a different place and just got my question answered, the lady was really nice and even moved me to a different ultrasound machine just to calm my fears. She wasnt as fast and mechanic like the last one and she was doctor and knew I was one too (here in DR is not your OBGYN who do the ultrasound) so she explained me why they were sure it is a miscarriage even if I dont have any bleeding or cramps yet.
I've been a mess all day, I know that this happens sometimes but still is really hard!
Thanks for all the support you've given me it really means a lot to us this days, Bayo cant come home until thursday so you can imagine how much harder that makes this whole thing.
I will be going friday for a D&C so please keep us in your prayers.

Sad

The ultrasound showed no heartbeat, the doctor told me the baby stopped growing.
I am really sad and confused, I dont get it, the baby measures the time I have (8 weeks) so there SHOULD be a heartbeat, but there isnt, I am not sure what to think, if it is a dimised it happened a couple days ago?!
We are really sad...